Memories

Today the challenge is to share your earliest memory. I have a love-hate-and-on-and-off-again relationship with my memories. Some days certain years, days, or decades are Caribbean clear. Other days, I can barely remember what happened last year.

In fact, today when I was waiting at the vet with my new writing buddy (who is currently asleep at my feet), I thought about where I should keep his flea/tick preventative. Instead of picturing somewhere in my current dwelling, the flash of my grandmother’s green kitchen desk came to mind.

Memories are funny that way: coming unbidden. Curious and convoluted. I worked on this poem over the past two years, and I shared it at the May NewBoPoJam.

Yarns

I honestly can’t remember the summer sun in grandma’s backyard but I recall the swing brushing the gooseberry bushes even though I still don’t know the shape or tangy pop of the berries. Who knows what fragments of light crossed that upstairs Spanish painting terrifying me into bed until sunrise? I can’t remember the face but I know the rounded edge of hat and bag of candy for the girl he’d never see again.

I can’t remember the faces of the babas in line with us. Interlopers we stood in the snow eating their language while reading the maps of the past in their eyes. Stories blended together in our bewilderment at lives that we could not have endured and would leave in ten months. They’ve probably perished since, but not I.  Is that true?

I can’t remember the farm wall color but the smell of cattle and electric fences danced through the window and called for discovery: kittens in the barn – blind wet furies hooked into childhood’s hands and memory. A little fur on the cookies didn’t hurt and who wandered down to the one room school with me? Abandonment and age scarred the board and discarded books. A potbellied stove warmed spiders’ nests.

I can’t remember my aunt’s odd cat named a Japanese name and eating cheese from a toothpick at Christmastime.  Soft, elusive, peering from the almost upstairs – what of me remains with you?

I can’t remember the old farm where the woman lopped off the chicken’s head and it actually ran around before collapsing.  A heap of edible death near the marigolds. Perhaps we made stew or chicken pie? The bloodstain remained for weeks, not so the food.

I can’t remember all those beers and shots of laughter with friends, buying our way to a fake joy that should have never been attempted in the first place. What was I trying to prove the night I smoked that first cigarette and threw up?

I can’t remember the kneeling moment or the taste of the three tier cake, but sickly sweet recalls the blows and bruises and unfairness.  What does it say about me that I remember no kindness but all the dinners of hardship and contempt?  Scars hidden can be denied.

I can’t remember the Barbies and Monopolies and Go Fishes and Kick the Cans.  The twilight of summer that shone in your firefly eyes.  Licorice smiles and watermelon breath after supper, and did anyone like pigs as much as you? Too much pink escapes me now and I feel something gained despite loss.  Leaf houses turn snow forts that we seal by pouring hot water across the walls in frozen sticky red mittens.

I can’t remember the call of the creek but crystal feelings sparkled hope mixed with breeze and salted sunshine.  Something.  Someone.  Out there waiting to stumble across me and I waited for that embrace that never came, didn’t I?

I can’t remember the copulation and the birth is blurry.  Undefined then suddenly manifest.  The shapes of your cries still hang in the air as your paintings on the walls.  Joy anticipated had no disappointment, but shifted expectations speak loudly while childhoods now past whisper conspiracies of guilt and regret from the corners.  Is it possible to hold on and release?

I can’t remember the crafts and shared knowledge little to big.  Your made up language and the green smiling alligator that no one knew.  Robbing the bank on doubles.  How about chocolate eating in the living room.  Did Mom ever catch you?

I can’t remember the reasons, but I remember the stitches.  A fall on refrozen ice or too soft chin on a too hard floor or trying to fly from a desk chair? Indelible souvenirs of the invincible imagination – moments fleeing into small history.

I can’t remember becoming mom’s age.  I can’t remember mom becoming grandma’s age. The fields of time and hamburgers along this path extend beyond imagination. Keeping dreams and hand holds and goodnights while pushing the cry-stained blankets farther away creates comfort of a sort. Who knew that this was a ball of colored yarn tangled beyond recognition? Trying to sort it out will reveal hidden nettles and unspeakable softness.  Who snarled this so impossibly? I can’t remember.  Maybe it was me.

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A Challenge and Five Problems

“You’ve been neglecting your blog.”  “When are you going to write something else?”

This statement and question were handed to be expectantly over the past week. I was kind of surprised. I don’t have a great many readers, but you are devoted, and for that I thank you. The statement is true and the answer is: “I have been – it’s just not been blog material. Drafting poems is a process that only a few people are interested in witnessing.”

IMG_3060Then, yesterday, a friend of mine posted a Writer’s Circle 30-Day Writing Challenge. Impulsively, I commented that I would do it if she would. She agreed. Well, I’m on the hook now. Actually, I’m on a double hook because while November is known as National Novel Writing Month amongst amateur writers, it also is a month wherein poets often challenge themselves to write a poem a day.

In addition to things like child #3’s burgeoning social schedule and normal life – laundry, vacuuming, food purchasing, and work –   I have a new writing buddy who is simultaneously attentive and attention-seeking.IMG_3059

Nevertheless, I am nothing if not witlessly hopeful. So, here it goes.

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Day One: Five Problems with Social Media

Clearly, the first one for me is impulsively saying I will participate in projects and then being bound to that comment. Of course, my friend would forgive me if I backed out. She probably posted it as a matter of interest rather than a challenge to anyone who would stumble across her page yesterday. Still, I am in. (And, if she chooses to do this, I will share her blog with you.)

But, that leads me to a second problem with social media: people who post and repost articles without reading them. Interested only in the headline, these autobots often do not realize what they are posting. This has created a large swath of people who function as if reading headlines is tantamount to being informed. A major problem considering the impending 2016 election. It’d be really great if we all read beyond the headlines.

In the education profession, we having a mantra that technology should be a tool to enhance teaching, not a substitute for teaching. That seems like it would be a good mantra for living. There are dozens on memes and touching click-bait videos suggesting that people are addicted to their phones. Perhaps we are. More to the point, though is that if we are using our social media to enrich our lives – then, great! If it drains us – well, then, maybe we should take a break from it – just like we would with anything else that “takes over” our attention.

A fourth problem for me is Facebook. I get friend requests from people that I do not remember and do not know. It is as if these humans have emerged from a parallel dimension, are claiming kinship with me, and they demand reciprocated acknowledgement. I really feel like I have lived several lives and they all attempt to converge on Facebook. But, perhaps the problem here is not social media but the failing memory of a person who has lived in multiple states, taught in numerous schools, and has thousands of current and former students and colleagues. Still – I feel like I’ve fallen into some perversion of a Star Trek meets Doctor Who episode when I open up my friend requests.

Finally, I would suggest that a problem with social media crops up when we use it as a staple of communication rather than an option for communication. Numerous times I have heard conversations that went like this:

Person A: “Hey, did you see what I posted on your wall?”

Person W:  “Um no.”

Person A:  “Well, I posted it and then I messaged you about it. I really needed your advice. Why didn’t you respond?”

Person W:  “I don’t go on Facebook much.”

Needing Person W’s advice badly, Person A might have used the telephone, visited, or otherwise reached out to Person W. Messages and posts can get buried in the timeline, newsfeeds, game requests, and birthday reminders.

We do need each other. Human beings are not meant to be solitary creatures. Social media helps us connect in many ways, but we should remember that behind every screen is a person. We might want to talk to him; or, invite her out for drinks; or, show our real faces to each other.

Join Me.